


Go With the Flow

by Kali Cephirot (10AlliraDream84)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-27
Updated: 2009-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-03 20:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10AlliraDream84/pseuds/Kali%20Cephirot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavi knows that a Bookman is not supposed to care. But Bookman had failed to tell Lavi what to do when you found yourself caring without noticing when it happened, or how to get rid of those thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go With the Flow

**Author's Note:**

> Some spoilers for the novel 'The 49th Name', and since Doug a novel-only character, it'll make a little more sense. If not, all you have to do is that Doug is a Finder and that he is the very first person at the Order Lavi opens to.

**Go With The Flow**

Bookman was going to kill him, and it was going to be slow. Lavi allowed himself a moment to call himself 'stupid' in as many languages he knew how as he closed his eye, leaning against a wall and sliding all the way to the floor, his invocation still active. He didn't think there would be another akuma attacking so soon, but he had yet to meet an Exorcist that was sorry of being paranoid, and he wasn't going to be the first one, either. Better safe than sorry was a policy everyone at the order swore by, and it was one of the few things that he agreed with them. Though lately he kept finding on more and more things that weren't his, that had the soft tints of Lenalee's care, Johnny's naivety, Reever's sarcasm, Kanda's glares.

Doug's sense of honor and trust.

"What's wrong with me?" he muttered softly, thumping his head against the hard bricks behind him. He winced a little, but just for a moment.

In truth, he knew that Bookman wasn't going to kill him, but he could imagine his dark eyes perfectly as he looked at him. He could almost hear his voice, telling him, _reminding him_ that they were only temporary allies of the Order. If it seemed the Order was going to lose the war against the Millenium Earl, then they'd be gone. They were to cooperate, but not to get too close. They should keep their synchronization just high enough that they wouldn't need to be accompanied to their missions, but low enough that there would be no chance that they would ever make it to Generals. A bookman, Panda would tell him, had no place in his life for senseless sentimentalities.

"I know that, Panda, I know," Lavi murmured again, using a hand to rub at his face, as if hoping that doing that he could erase the headache he could feel coming.

But no such luck, of course.

Why the hell had he felt the need to go back for Doug? He knew what he'd tell Bookman and what he'd swear by come fire or thunder: how this would help him finish breaking the ice within the Order, finally give him a proper place. Despite having been over a year with the Order, Lavi had very, very recently moved up from 'Bookman's apprentice' to 'Exorcist' himself. The fact that he was compatible had made a world of difference with Bookman's plans. Lavi had spent his first six months in the order as little more than an assistant. He always went with Bookman to his missions as it was expected, but back in the Order he would sometimes help the Science Division and little more other than study what Bookman told him to study.

Becoming an Exorcist had meant that whole role had had to change. Lavi suddenly was top notch, and he had had to adapt his persona to that, which had been harder than he expected. Lavi wasn't used to so many eyes focusing so constantly on him. 'Lavi' was cheerful and friendly and well liked by most people in the Order, a big-mouthed, silly dork. And now, after having actually saved a member of the Order, even someone as minor as a Finder, his position would be more secure, not just an outsider, which was important. They were to seem as if they were actually part of the Order, not there just by chance. Lavi would tell Bookman that the only reason he had saved Doug had been because it seemed a good chance for him to do so with not much risk.

Of course, Lavi knew that even though what he was saying was technically true, Bookman would not believe his words, not even for a second. He wouldn't question them, though, and as long as Lavi didn't fuck up again, they would never _ever_ talk about it again, which was as close as a Bookman and their apprentices ever got to forgetting.

_... why_ had he saved Doug?

Lavi looked up when he heard footsteps, his expression shifting without him having to think too much about it into the tired smile that people would expect him to have after a mission and an exhausting battle.

"_There_ you are," Doug shook his head, walking into the alley, frowning, his concern clear on his face in his deep blue eyes. "Bookman said that you'd probably be eating the inn out of business or something close."

"I'm waiting for the roast beef to be ready," Lavi said with a cheerful grin, though he still didn't move to stand up. "_Then_ I'm eating the inn outta business."

He could fool most people with his smile. He was an expert on reading humans, on changing his stance and voice and phrases according to their body language, so that his persona could slid by almost unnoticed. It had been a little different within the order, where so many people would be able to see him and interact with him indeterminately, but not _that_ different. Lavi was pretty certain that he had about a ninety five percent of the Order completely oblivious as to whom he was and, before this mission, he had thought that the other five percent were people like Komui, the kind of people who would simply not say a thing about knowing he was cheerfully lying through his teeth every single day, and they'd lie right back at him and then everyone would pretend everything was right.

That was what humans _did_, after all. They either ignore what's right there in front of their eyes, or simply turn their heads and accept the lies they were feed upon. Lavi had spent almost twelve years learning that fact, and it had never failed before. _Never_. Humans, he had learned after witnessing dozens of battles, simply didn't like knowing things. That was what made them different from the Bookman.

But despite the fact that he was smiling as naturally as he knew how, Doug still frowned, squatting down in front of him... worried. Not believing the statement Lavi was giving him, either the voiced one or the more subtle one of _'just don't ask and leave me alone'._

"Are you okay?" the Finder asked instead, moving a hand tot he bandages wrapped around Lavi's head, as if to check the wound. "If you're nauseous, we should get you to Bookman, or to a hospital."

"Please, 'tis a scratch, a scratch, ask for me tomorrow and you shan't find me a grave man!" he said with a grin, but Doug was still frowning, still resisting. Lavi looked away first. "I'm fine, Doug."

He _never_ looked away. Ever. As Bookman's apprentice, he couldn't give himself that much of a disadvantage. He had to see so that he would be able to know. There was no other possibility.

But Doug was different in a way he just didn't understand. He hadn't fallen for his smile, his jokes, his laughter and at the same time he had refused simply to ignore it. The way the Finder had had to reject Lavi's apparent friendly attitude had irked him and irritated him.

Just who was that young Finder to doubt his words, his actions? He was supposed to be nothing more than a normal, ordinary human, and yet he had been able to read Lavi completely, as if he hadn't made it his life to simply fit in wherever and whenever he was. Doug hadn't taken two looks at him before he had already found out that somehow, 'Lavi' didn't really exist and was just a mask.

Doug cleared his throat, and Lavi glanced at the young man in front of him. Doug had moved to kneel down, his eyes downcast, and then he simply said:

"I... wanted to speak with you. And apologize."

Lavi blinked, genuinely confused. "Say what? I thought you had pretty much said you hated me and that you'd dance on my grave."

"I never said that!" Doug flushed at his words and glared a bit, but he was actually meeting his gaze now. He hadn't, before. "I... I was probably out of line, speaking that way to a superior. Besides... you proved me wrong, a little. You didn't have to save me, and yet you did it, and you knew that it made absolutely no sense to go back for me. So... I'm sorry. And thank you. "

Lavi felt his throat tighten. Doug had seemed so surprised, so certain that he was done for before Lavi had appeared to take him out, yelling at him as they evaded the akuma's attack and the whole falling building (_"YOU IDIOT, what the hell do you think you're doing, do you have some sort of martyr complex or are you simply bloody insane, you fucking IDIOT?!"_ those had been his exact words at Doug) and Lavi... he had been angry. More angry than he ever remembered being. Even when the Noah had destroyed the Bookman clan and most of the other Bookman and their apprentices, Lavi hadn't really felt angry. Upset at the loss of the physical knowledge, yes, and perhaps a little frightened that the Noah would try to hunt the rest of the surviving Bookman, but not angry, not really.

But when Doug had been about to die, he had been so angry he hadn't stopped to think. He had simply reacted, which scared him three times as much as a Noah possibly killing him did. The idea of Doug dying had somehow _hurt him_ enough that his training had failed him and he had reacted in an unreasonable way to stop the hurting.

"It's nothing!" Lavi moved to stand up, dusting the back of his trousers, looking down, avoiding Doug's too honest, too blue eyes. Lavi knew his voice sounded off even to his own ears, too loud and grating, but he had lost his center, and he wasn't about to find it then, with the person who had caused it to witness it. "Don't mention it, really! It's a you scratch my back I scratch yours, right?"

_Just drop it. Drop it drop it drop it._

But Doug simply stood in his way, not allowing him to move away and retreat somewhere he would be able to get his focus again.

"You're doing it again!" he said instead, and he moved close, enough that Lavi had to press against the wall trying to avoid him and yet Doug moved with him. This close it was pretty fucking impossible not to see his eyes, the way he was glaring, so very determined. "_Look at me when I'm talking to you!_"

He had said something like that, the first time they met, right after Lavi had discovered he, too, was an Exorcist. Doug had told him that it was as if Lavi was talking to a statue, with the way he acted. And every other time they had met after that, had been more or less the same. Instead of simply letting it slide, Doug's uncaring attitude had made Lavi decide that he he was going to get another answer from the Finder at all cost.

And now he had it, but Lavi found himself not wanting it. He _didn't_ want to hear what Doug was about to say, what else he could be about to discover from Lavi that Lavi _didn't_ want nor need uncovered, so instead, Lavi leaned forward, pressing his lips against Doug's, hoping this would finally, _finally_ send him away. If he had punched him, Doug would have punched back most likely, and they would have attracted way too much attention. Instead, by kissing him, Lavi thought, Doug would have to back off, get offended, punch him and then go away, and Lavi would stay the fuck away from the Finder from now on.

When Doug froze, Lavi could have sighed in relief: _finally_ something regarding Doug was going as it should, and so he got ready for the other man to move away and react, relief in his mind.

Instead, he felt Doug shudder a little and then he was pressing even _closer_, his hands moving to Lavi's waist as he kissed back, and kissed back _hard_. Lavi's eye opened in shock, but Doug's eyes had closed, a faint flush on his tanned face, and he was still staring when Doug opened his mouth, his tongue licking at Lavi's lips, taking advantage of the fact that his mouth had gone slack to deepen the kiss. Lavi heard himself moan, his hands just hanging limp against his sides as Doug pressed closer, pressing Lavi flush against the wall before he tentatively moved them to Doug's side, but instead of pushing the Finder back, he found himself kissing again, too aware of the way his blood was rushing through his ears.

This wasn't one hour with a nameless prostitute, something that Lavi knew even Bookman had done and didn't disapprove completely of (even though he tried really hard not to think of that at all if he could avoid it, least his cock simply shrivel up inside him and die forever). This was someone Lavi worked with, someone he had to interact with, someone who _**knew**_ him, which made this twice as a bad the situation as it had already been.

But this was simply spiraling way out of any kind of control that Lavi might have had on the situation which, he was panicking inside enough to realize he probably hadn't had that much on it anyway. He simply couldn't seem to predict how Doug would react at all, and Lavi was strung tight enough without this emotional baggage added: battles did that to him frequently enough that he had gotten used to the adrenaline rush, but there had been more this time.

He had been afraid of losing the very same person who was kissing him right then, and for all that Lavi could recite back and forth the Bible in Latin, Russian and Chinese, he had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do with the knowledge that apparently he cared about a human being except, perhaps, go with the flow.

Lavi closed his eye, opening his legs a bit so that he could slide down a few inches, get Doug closer without the Finder having to stand on his tiptoes, aware that any moment now they could be interrupted, but neither of them stopped. Doug shivered when he pressed closer, half straddling one of Lavi's legs.

He didn't stop Doug when he broke away from the kiss, but the only thing Doug did was move his hands to unwind Lavi's scarf from around his neck, working on the silver buttons of his exorcist coat, his face still flushed, the pupils of his eyes dilated. Lavi's hands moved without him almost noticing, undoing the zipper of his white coat, tugging his shirt out of his trousers to move his hands beneath it, feeling the way Doug shivered when his cold fingers moved down his waist, to his back, feeling the bumps of his spine.

Doug moaned this time, his mouth against his neck, pressing closer, and Lavi tried to focus on the _here_ and _now_, focus all his senses on the way Doug was breathing against his neck and not on how he hoped he didn't leave a mark because it'd be a bitch trying to hide it from Bookman; on how good Doug's rough hands felt on his skin when Doug finally opened his coat as well and not on the usual paranoia of being outside and a pretty damn easy target for any akuma right then.

Doug ground his hips against Lavi's and they both shivered, a much more welcome distraction than the road his thoughts had been taking. Lavi moved his hands in between them, grabbing Doug's belt buckle to move his trousers out of the way, and Doug did the same with his own leather, barely pausing before he slid his hand inside, his eyes on Lavi's face and Lavi's head hit the wall again as he cursed out loud, having to stop a moment just to _breathe_ as Doug's hand curled around his cock.

And then it was simple, pure instinct and _not having to think_ as Lavi shifted again and then Doug got close again, once more half straddling his thigh so that they could rub their erections together, and Lavi focused on Doug's expression, on the flush on his face, his half bitten lips before he leaned forward again to kiss him, and he didn't even have the excuse of doing so to keep him quiet this time, and he simply moaned against Doug's mouth, his hands tight on his hips.

Doug held unto him with one arm, but he moved his free hand, grabbing both their cocks, not so much moving his hand as offering a little more friction which was just what Lavi needed, just what he wanted as he clenched his fingers tight against Doug's hips with a groan, his release spilling between them, coming so hard that he almost, _almost_ missed the way Doug moaned as he came as well.

It took a few moments before they could move away, Lavi's legs and lower back telling him that they hated him so very much and that he could forget about them taking him _anywhere_ away from that wall. His hands were shaking as he did back his trousers and coat, trying not to think about how he looked right then, certain that Bookman was going to be able to tell _everything_ with just one look at him.

"Here," Doug said as he offered him a handkerchief, and he was still flushing a bit, though this time embarrassed rather than angry (or wanting, informed him a very unnecessary part of his brain).

Saying: "Thanks," seemed easier than any other possibility, so he took it, cleaning anything that the coat might not naturally hide.

"We should go back inside," Lavi said, tired enough that he didn't even try to make his voice cheerful. He felt as if he could sleep for a whole week if he got a chance.

Doug's hand grabbed his arm, making him turn to look at him. Lavi met Doug's eyes wary, but too tired to try and guess what it was that Doug wanted from him.

"What is it, Doug?"

But Doug said nothing, simply looking at him with a frown for a few moments before he smiled, an expression that he hadn't shown at Lavi at all so far, which made something inside Lavi feel warmer, somehow. It seemed that whatever it was that Doug had seen in Lavi had satisfied him because he moved away, giving Lavi some much needed personal space.

"Wanna go and grab some dinner, then? The next train goes out tomorrow at eight in the morning, so you'll want to go and sleep early."

... was Doug offering him an out? And just how desperate was Lavi that even when realizing that, he decided to take it?

"Yeah," he answered, simply trying not to think about anything or anyone right then and there. Later. He simply had to push it to the back of his mind and not think about anything for a while. Or ever again. That sounded like a good idea as well. "That sounds fine."


End file.
